Remembering girlhood and time on the edge of seventeen- II
My apologies; I didn’t want to write long-winded personal entries, but writing is the only way to shake off the rocks in my chest that are burdening me. Writing has always been my passion, and now I understand it is also therapy that gives me so much consolation and relief. Only last month, on our birthday, I shared the experience that I had forced myself to forget with my twin sister and a sister in our hearts for the first time. Since then, whenever I flashback to that memory, I don’t burst into tears. We all have rocky patches that, in many cases, become projected versions of our own life crises. I now see why some men have viewed me as being a cold and reserved person, even when we’re not in an intimate relationship.
Gabor Maté, an acclaimed author and physician who studied addiction intensely, notes that trauma pervades our culture, from how we deal with our own lives to our relationships with others, parenting, education, popular culture, the economy, and politics. In fact, someone without the marks of trauma would be an outlier in our society.
~ The Myth of Normal: Trauma, Illness and Healing in a Toxic Culture (2022) ~
I used to believe that my view of men and the discomfort I feel while around men is a result of sexual misconduct by old, perverted professors during my first university years or assault by strangers before I remembered the event that happened to me when I was thirteen. This traumatic experience, which is actually trauma, has tainted my perception of men. I can remember vividly every detail, including how I felt. I puzzled over why I kept having bizarre dreams since I tried so hard to believe for a long time that I was visualizing something that didn’t actually happen to me. According to Gabor Maté’s concise definition of trauma, it’s an internal injury caused by difficult or painful situations that results in a permanent rupture or split within the self. “Trauma isn’t what happens to you, but what happens inside you.” I must remember that not every man is as wild as my uncle was. All these years, what he said to me has lingered in my mind: “You’ve No Idea How Men are Wild Creatures”.
For quite a while after I recalled his action, I pondered why he acted that way and what made him do that to me. I contemplated many things over the last couple of months. Maybe his deed was one of those that triggered my clinical depression when I was seventeen. I felt hollow and trapped in complete darkness, plagued by intense feelings of guilt, shame, and sorrow at the moment. The sudden death of my grandma when I was sixteen and my bereavement were the major causes of depression, but now I think trauma also had a significant impact. Without realizing it, I’d been practicing intermittent fasting for over two years in my teenage years. I excruciated myself the most when I was seventeen. I barely eat at least one proper meal a day, and probably I’d have been diagnosed as depressed and anorexic. Every single person exclaimed and asked: Why am I getting skinny or whether I am eating enough meals? Some people are particularly skilled at burying the fallen one deeper with that line by saying harsh comments like “You look like a match or a lollipop!”
When I was twelve, I used to eat a loaf of bread alone, and I became a chubby girl when I hit puberty. Considering my body mass index, I shifted from slightly overweight to underweight over the years, but I wasn’t intended to be skinny. During the down times, I used to weep when I looked in the mirror at my figure since some areas like my breasts that should have had fat had none.
I had the sensation that my skin was being torn against my ribs as I was resting in bed. The collarbones and ribcages appeared as though they would pierce through my skin. There is nothing attractive about being on the other end of the spectrum.
I’m grateful for the dark times because there are always good lessons and sides to everything, even trauma. I came across a very well-written verse that conveys the essence of what I want to say regarding the positive aspects of dark encounters. Some of the lines I really liked are included below, but not in their entirety.
Struggle visited me
And it gave me the gift of empathy
Allowing me to better understand those who had undergone similar experiences to me
Hardship visited me
And it gave me the gift of compassion
Allowing me to be gentle with both myself and those surrounding me
And vulnerability visited me
And it gave me the gift of connection
Allowing me to know that I am one with all that surrounds me
And everything I feel
Has been felt by those who came before me
Everything I am currently experiencing
Has also been experienced by those around me
And all that I am
Is all that they have also been.
Words by Tahlia Hunter
Depression made me more sympathetic towards others, and I understood why people take their own lives. At the very least, I’m not one of those who think that wretched, pointless, and weak people commit suicide, and they’re condemned to hell. Now if my inner self stops falling apart when I’m surrounded by many men, it means I’m fully healed. I’ll live not with wounds but with the scars that shaped and influenced the current me.
For people who read until the end, it’s one of my favorite French songs that speaks to my heart, even though I can’t speak French yet. Life is beautiful and bittersweet, with so many colors and shades. Remember the following words that a renowned psychiatrist, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, once said:
“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep, loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.”
Everything is temporary. If you’re in your best self and life, cherish every moment; if not, a good time will come. I believe if I do better, better people with good intentions and big hearts will appear along the way in my life.
