Sadness is a Blessing
Today is the birthday of the most miraculous person in my life, but sadness engulfed me for a while. Perhaps I’m in a transition period and constantly contemplating the three states of my life: past, present and future; that’s why I’m feeling gloomy. I’m trying to get my head straight, but some days I get so lost. Sometimes I think going back to my origins isn’t that bad. At least, I’ll be employed not long after I start applying for jobs in my country, and I’ll reunite with my family after three years. But thinking about all the socioeconomic problems and other burdens in my country, a big part of me doesn’t want to go back to the past. How can I live in a country where the cost of food is equivalent to that in Hungary, excluding the meat and a small number of goods like dairy products, but the minimum wage is USD 145 a month? Part of my mind says, “Who do you think you are?” You shouldn’t underestimate your country, but rather your skills and your knowledge. If I acquire practical experience in my field, I can be hired to work for one of the large, foreign-invested mining companies, such as Oyu Tolgoi, or corporate companies with an adequate salary. How can we prosper ourselves when we are struggling to make a living? I agree with this statement: the atmosphere of many modern nations — their ruthlessness, immaturity, aggression, and exhibitionism — may ultimately be a function of the way most of their citizens have to earn their living rather than of any drastic deterioration in human nature. There are many concerning issues arising globally, such as disoriented democracy and our values. My country, although included among the democratic countries, still suffers from inequality in many forms, including wealth, gender, and poverty. There are still many hurdles to overcome, but these issues confront not just third-world countries but even the most liberal countries too. I believe people in the 21st century are living in a time of great uncertainty and chaos. There are many issues to be concerned about, but what we each need to do individually is upgrade our knowledge and evolve constantly to survive.
Once again, a big part of me misses my family terribly, and seeing my parents get older each year reminds me of the limited time we have. How can I leave a more meaningful legacy and live better than them, as they have predicated since I was a child? Am I truly doing better than them? Am I a good person with high ethics? After I consider this question seriously, my answer would be no. How can I raise my children with high ethics and morals when I’m not the epitome myself? I don’t know when I’ll reach the point where I can say for sure that I’m ready in all aspects to bring a child into this world and devote all my best efforts to my blueprint. Therefore, I don’t want to have a child and pass on my genes. Some people in my country may say I’m egoistic, but that’s not the sole reason; rather, it is much more deep and complicated thing. I’m not sure where I’m heading. I don’t think it is some kind of crisis; it is just normal sadness I delve into from time to time. As Gotye sings, you can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness, and my current dilemma is ruling the state of mind and mood. I hope it is just a transient and short period of my 20s.
