To the man of the man — K
Cara mia,
When I read sincere and kind words from others, I also felt as if I were being embraced, so I hope my words will give you the same feeling. Since we first met in lovely Agape, Italy, which is a very mystic but charming place just by its name, I’d like to address you with one of the ear-pleasing and fondest Italian titles. Remember that I’ll always hold you in high regard because you were the first man who was considerate, tender and loving. Therefore, it feels right to refer to “Cara Mia.” I was composing each word of this post in my mind for a very long time, but I decided to publish it later, until your birthday. If it were written in the past, it would be a handwritten or typed letter, but deem this entry a letter with sincerity from me to you. It’s true what Alain de Botton says:
“One of the first important truths is that you’re crazy. Not you; as it were, all of us; that all of us are deeply damaged people.”
You brought me many realizations and connections to my inner self. Most importantly, I found my authentic self and got my voice back, which gives me inspiration to write. I wish you could feel how grateful I’m for our encounter and the night we spent together. Thank you for growing me into a woman and sowing the seed of maturity in me. Now I see that I was quite lost in connection and drained for a very long time. I deeply understand that our physical and mental health are intricately interwoven with how we feel and what we perceive or believe about ourselves and the world, and the ways that life does or does not satisfy our nonnegotiable human needs. Thanks to you, I acknowledged early on that my trauma had a severe impact on me.
I read a book by Bessel van Der Kolk, and after I finished, I wanted to acquire the translation rights to The Body Keeps the Score, a book that is backed up with grandiose facts and worth translating in my native language. You helped me in so many ways that you won’t even know. In one example, I wrote a thesis titled “Can the School of Life channel be considered a place for networking and learning?” concerning the School of Life channel’s community. If you’d like to read it, I’d be pleased to send it to you, and I highly appreciate your thoughts.
If I hadn’t met you, I wouldn’t have developed an interest in psychology and stepped into the journey of self-acceptance and understanding, nor would I’ve written a thesis on an under-researched subject and done analysis.
I’d been reflecting on my attachment style for a while, and I was certain it wasn’t a secure one. To my dismay, the test result revealed a “dismissive avoidant”. I’m skeptical about accuracy, but nearly all of the descriptions were true. Indeed, I often think of myself as someone who isn’t destined to share a life with a significant other or incapable of sustaining a loving, long-term relationship. Dreadfully, as I get older, I hold this view close to my heart, and it soon becomes my reality. Now I see why Julie is closer to me in many ways and why the film feels like it’s speaking directly to me. But, unlike her, I’ve never had at least a short-lasting passionate or reckless romantic relationship with men, nor have I developed a long-term one that I call a boyfriend or partner. I know at least what qualities I want in a man, and I truly want to be a mother, regardless of the odds of natural conception through donor eggs and IVF or adoption. I’m willing to bring a baby to the person who wants to be a parent, under one condition: my spouse agrees to my wish not to involve my gene. In my freshman year at my current university, I even took a subject called “Basics of Breastfeeding and Breast Milk Nutrition” and learned the benefits of breastfeeding not only for children but for women as well. If I have a child, I’ll breastfeed for at least a year.
Sometimes I try to picture myself as someone who can build a life with a good enough person to fall head over heels in such reciprocal love that we tend and attentively listen to each other, buy groceries together, and furnish our home. Since I met you, I’ve become so sure that, as time goes by, I’ll grow and fully heal. The way a sunflower follows the sun I’ve got faith that I can be someone’s sunshine and beam a light to my special sunflower. I agree we seek familiarity in everything, and someone who has experienced the same can truly empathize with us. But in a romantic relationship, I think it’s better to be coupled with someone who is secure rather than someone like me. Therefore, I wish you to find someone who’s been surrounded by all kinds of love and knows how to love and be loved.
I recently read a novel that reminded me of you, particularly one of the main protagonists, Shams Tabrizi, whose character and physical depiction are so similar to yours. The Forty Rules of Love has many soulful lines, and I want to include some I really appreciated reading many times.
Rule 12: “The quest for love changes us, there is no seeker among those who search for love who has not matured on the way. The moment you start looking for love you start to change within and without.”
Rule 29: “Destiny does not mean that your life has been strictly predetermined. Therefore, to leave everything to fate and not actively contribute to the music of the universe is a sign of sheer ignorance. The music of the universe is all pervading and it is composed on 40 different levels. Your destiny is the level where you play your tune. You might not change your instrument but how well to play is entirely in your hands.”
I’m fortunate enough to have met you against the odds of not having met if both of us hadn’t been in Agape at the same time. You’re the person who ignited my transformation into awareness, womanhood, and maturity. I believe I’m one of many for whom you instilled change and love. May you find your true unicorn, a cool and good-enough person, soon.
PS: You’ll always be in my memory, just like the meaning of your name, “free-spirited” and also a good man. You know I’m a very musical person; especially since I left my home country, music has been a huge part of my life and a coping strategy for stress. You’re still the only foreigner who can pronounce my full name, and I believe you keep it dearly in your memory.
Truly yours,
Sanaa 🖤 XOXO
